39 and counting

The end of the road

Antonia — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 17:04:37 +0000

So, my story has taken an unexpected, and unwanted, twist. The father of my two failed pregnancies told me last week that he is leaving, moving out of our home and ending our relationship. Quite apart from the desolation of losing the man I thought would be with me for the rest of my life, I am having to accept that those two miscarriages might be the end of my reproductive journey. I am now 40. I am unable to imagine letting someone else under my defenses for a very long time to come – probably too long to then have a child. It seems so… so many things. So unfair. So cruel. So sad. I would be a great mother, I am sure, and it hurts so much so think that I might not have that chance.

The Sixth Point

Antonia — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 11:40:27 +0000

My 5 -point-plan is actually a 6 point plan, as I decided a while ago to ask for an internal move at work. I actually asked for it when I was still pregnant, because this other post will be much easier in childcare terms than what I do at the moment. But since the second miscarriage, several people, including my counsellor (see point 4) have said that I need to consider reducing my workload and doing something less stress inducing. So I’ve been waiting since November to hear whether it would work out and was told today that it will! So from the summer I will be doing something much less high-profile and with an easier work rythm (I hope…)

So the current situation is:

Point 1 – have lost about 2.5kgs

Point 2 – ongoing

Point 3 – done and awaiting results

Point 4 – ongoing and very useful

Point 5 – going very well, thanks!

Putting the plan into action

Antonia — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 10:26:50 +0000

Well a major plank of my 5 point plan for having a baby has been dealt with here in Brussels, with a visit to a gynaecologist who sent me for a raft of tests, to see if there is any explanation for my two miscarriages. Maybe there won’t be any answers. Maybe there will be, and I’ll find out that it’s not going to happen for us. Of course that will be devastating, but I’d rather know than go through all of this again for nothing. And it has been so wonderful to talk to a doctor who wants to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. It was amazing, she signed me up for a raft of tests, did a smear test (note: it took 4 tries to get it done in the UK last time, because none of the nurses or doctors that tried could do it without causing me excessive pain) and she did a scan of my insides there in her office. And then I turned up at the hospital this morning and had an enormous amount of blood taken. I should know in about a month what the situation is. What a relief that will be.

Putting the plan into action

Antonia — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 10:26:26 +0000

Operation Baby 2011

Antonia — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 14:44:00 +0000

New Year, new start. I have a 5 point plan to have a healthy baby in 2011

Point 1 – Lose some weight

This isn’t a massive issue, my BMI is just below 25, so I doubt there are any weight-related fertility issues. But two pregnancies and comfort eating after two miscarriages has piled on the pounds a bit, so getting my BMI down to 22 is part of the positive thinking approach. I’ve started well, with 2 kilos lost since Christmas.

Point 2 – Acupuncture

I’m seeing an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility/menstruation etc. Now, some may scoff, but for me the main point has been having someone who is trying to help me, and who will listen to me, in contrast to the UK medical establishment, who won’t lift a finger until I’ve gone through all this again. Which leads me on to…

Point 3 – Try to find out if there is a medical reason

I’m going to Brussels (where I used to live) at the end of January and will see a gynaecologist there to find out if there is any medical reason why I miscarried twice, at exactly the same point in my pregnancy. For example, is it Hughes Syndrome (and reading through the symptoms, oh my goodness, it might be)? If someone can tell me that now, rather than when I have lost another baby, I’ll be much happier. And if they can tell me there is no medical reason, then that’s good too.

Point 4 – Counselling

I am going to start seeing a counsellor, just to get me in a more positive frame of mind. It might sound a bit hippy, but I’m sure your mental state contributes to holistic things like carrying a baby, and I want to go into the next pregnancy as positively as I can, given what has gone before.

Point 5 – Have lots of sex

Bit of a no-brainer, but the most easily achieved of the lot

So fingers crossed for me, please!

Back to square one

Antonia — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 12:56:12 +0000

I can’t quite believe I’m writing this, but those that follow my Twitter feed will already know that I found out last week that I have had another missed miscarriage. This time it was when we went for the dating scan – same thing, no heartbeat and a foetus that had only made it to 8 weeks 6 (3 days less than last time). I had the ERPC last Thursday and have been off work since, trying to get my head round it happening again. One miscarriage is “it happens to lots of people”, “your body needs to work out what it’s doing” etc. Two gets me thinking that there’s something wrong with me that I can’t carry a baby to term, especially as it happened at more or less the same time as last time. I know there are people who have had two, three even four and then had perfectly healthy babies, but it’s difficult to focus on that. Especially as the system here won’t even start looking at what’s wrong till the third. On one level I suppose that should be a comfort – two isn’t so very unusual. But if I have three and they do tests and I find there is something simple that can be done to help, I will very much resent not having been able to find that out the first time, and having gone through it twice more. Because heaven knows this isn’t a great thing to go through, whether it’s only the once, or several times.

Booking in

Antonia — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 16:37:42 +0000

I had my booking in appointment at the hospital yesterday, when I was exactly 10 weeks. I was very anxious all day, probably because I went to that apppointment last time all full of excitement and optimism, only to find out a week later that the baby had died, and in fact had died before that appointment. I’m feeling so sick at the moment that I’m reassured that things are going OK, but it still didn’t feel like something I could get excited about. I even asked the midwife if it was possible to listen for a heartbeat, but she said it was too early. So all I can do at the moment is hang on to the fact that I feel bogging *all the time* and cross off the days until the scan when I’ll know one way or the other. Of course, Lily Allen’s terrible news this week is another reminder that getting past the 12 week barrier doesn’t guarantee that all will go well. Will I ever be able to enjoy this pregnancy and not feel anxious all the time?

Jacuzzi advice needed

Antonia — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 10:17:33 +0000

So, My Beloved and I are going to Italy in two week’s time. I was supposed to go for work, so we tacked a weekend on the end of my business trip, which has now been cancelled. But we are going anyway. Yay! Anyway, I need your help, blogosphere. When we booked the hotel, we were offered a room with a view over the lake, and a jacuzzi, which I obviously jumped at. But then I found out I was pregnant, and I read everywhere that jacuzzis are not advised. Is this because lots of people go into the water and so they are germy? If I am filling my bath with my own water, below 40 degrees, and turning the jacuzzi on, is that still going to be a problem?

6 weeks and 6 days

Antonia — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 10:10:25 +0000

So I’m heading towards 7 weeks and the alien is still holding fast in there. I feel totally rotten – spent most of yesterday in bed – but it does have its upside, as it just confirms that things are happening. So I can’t feel too terrible about it. Still, every time I go to the bathroom I steel myself for that tell-tale sign of bleeding, so I won’t be able to rest totally easy until after 12 weeks.

My brother was down visiting at the weekend, and we told him, but that’ll be it (him and my parents) until we make it to 12 weeks. I haven’t had anything from the hospital yet, and I guess if I haven’t heard by the end of the week I’ll call the doctor to see what’s going on.

Sinking in

Antonia — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 17:17:22 +0000

So the news is slowly sinking in…

I was away from home when I took the test on Tuesday, so had to tell MB over the phone. I got home last night and it was lovely to be able to talk to him and see the look in his eye. Like me, he’s wary of getting too happy about it, but I know he’s hoping that we will be able to. I told my parents last night. we’re going to keep it much more under wraps this time, for obvious reasons, but I couldn’t not tell her. I need someone to talk to about the girl side of things, plus I couldn’t bear the thought of how hurt she would be if we only told her after three months. She was really happy, though obviously also recognising our concerns about it. There was an amusing exchange on Netmums about telling your mother – astonishing how many 30-something women dread telling their mothers they are pregnant. And amazing how many mothers are anything other than overjoyed. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded how lucky you are.

I’ve felt OK today – not to nauseous, not too tired, but it is only 4 weeks, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Hopefully everything is OK – the sickness going off last time was, with hindsight, the sign that things were not good. I remember the midwife saying that it sounded like I had turned a corner, feeling better. And in a way he was right, though not the way any of us wanted…

Off to Pilates class tonight, and I walked miles (literally) today, so I feel good about that.

We’ve got an appointment with the nurse tomorrow to start the whole scan/midwife process. It all makes me so impatient – I just want to be 12 weeks and know everything is OK!!